As a first-year medical resident, I recently had the honor of responding to a “code blue” when a patient lost their pulse. I watched as the patient crossed the boundary of life, death, and life again before my eyes. This experience prompted me to reflect on the fragility of life. I realized that although this may be a common event for a doctor, for the patient this is the most pivotal moment of their lives. The rest of their life depends on the relentless efforts of a group of individuals they will never know. This code reminded me of the privilege I have to not only be alive but to be entrusted with the lives of others.
Throughout my medical training, I have found poetry to be an excellent way to process such emotional experiences. Medical emergencies require us physicians to be analytical and focused on treating the patient. However, this often results in us ignoring the emotionality of the situation. I prevent burnout by writing about these emotionally charged experiences as it allows me to humanize and honor my patients.
The AOS Poetry Club has been a wonderful group to be a part of during medical school and residency. The club provides a platform to not only express my own experiences but also gain valuable insights into those of my colleagues. Our meetings allow me to reflect on the great honor it is to practice medicine and be connected with a group of talented, humanistic physicians.
Code Blue
My pulse 80
Her pulse 80
Status post dialysis, patient is altered
“Good morning, can you open your eyes?”
--- Silence
“Miss, squeeze my hand”
--- Still
My pulse 80
Her pulse 0
No beat
No breath
“Get an IV”
“Get the AED”
“Start compressions”
Amongst our movement
She is still
Amongst our shouting
She is silent
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30
Air moves in
Air moves out
My pulse 110
Her pulse 0
“No shock advised- restart compressions”
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30
“Call the family”
---“2 epi in”
“They’ll be here in 15”
---“still no pulse”
“That will be too late”
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30
Air moves in
Air moves out
My pulse 140
Her pulse 0
1 2 3 4…
1 2 3 4. . .
1 2 3 4. . .
“…compressions for 25 minutes…. 4 rounds of epi…. No shockable rhythm…”
“… can anyone think of anything else?…”
I feel a beat
Is it mine or hers?
My pulse ?
Her pulse ?
The monitor beeps alive
Air goes in
Breath comes out
She looks up
I step down
My pulse 80
Her pulse 80